Twisted cruelty of solidarity

There comes a phase in life when you start making your own decisions. It doesn't always mean the decisions have to be big or small, they are decisions you have not taken so often. 


It becomes a massive mental debate as to what to make for dinner and more importantly what's for lunch the next day. Then you're guided by your bank account to realise that eating at home is the healthiest and efficient. Once you know what's cooking and there is meat on the burner, you are reminded of your mother who did everything for you when you were little. 
Then you veg out on the couch expecting to cook itself, realising that doing all of this actually takes effort to do things you took for granted. 


Your dishes sit in the sink waiting to be cleaned while you rest your bum on the couch. Instead of going out, enjoying the beauty of the nature, taking photography, working out, swimming, meeting a friend, or doing anything productive you sit on that soft cushion thinking about doing all those things at some stage. 
Gulping down coke or alcohol doesn't make you feel bad and in fact you're proud of getting up for smoking those cigarettes because you're too damn lazy otherwise (what you don't realise is you get up for burning your lungs). 


Once you start yawning to the point your mouth starts hurting, you decide to give yourself a break and take a long nap which will last till morning. You know that this cycle isn't over and come tomorrow evening, you'll be going through the same thing again. 

Human kind seems to have been lost in translation over the years. For the worse, in case it wasn't clear. 

Crunch time

As I begin to write this post, I realise that my inspiration to write is sourced from what I find is a very negative end of my mind (the hippocampus). I had always imagined how my life would shape up when I would have to make your own decisions. 

Like most other people, I look to point a finger to another person if things go wrong in any aspect of my life. I am at a stage in life where I have to take decisions which can be life changing. 

I'm standing at a cross road a the moment, it's not a T junction,it's not a one way street, it's a crossroad. 

4 siblings, myself as the youngest of all, have never really had to worry about things in life as every one took care of me like a little baby. Now, I am writing this post because I see that every one in my life has taken different paths to achieve their dreams or life goals. 

My eldest sister - she's on a path of married life where she looks to expand her family and achieve the title of being a mother. It's been a long way till here and she's still working through things to make it through to her dream. She's the closest to me, we share almost every thing but I feel that I have to now reduce my interaction with her so that she can pay attention to things in her life. She's been a second mother to me, I can never forget that. 

My second sister - she has already achieved the dream of having a child and is now enjoying parenthood with my lovely little niece. She's making ends meet in every respect of life and I am proud of her. She's strong and smart, there's no stopping here from achieving anything in life. 

My youngest sister - now she's the gifted one, she has all the medical conditions that one talks about and thinks they would never have. I see her struggle every day and fight through her illness and push herself to new heights in her career. She's smart, intelligent and charming. Recently, she's started dating a guy which has now left me as the sole character in the family who is riding solo. I'm amazed at my little sister and she gives me inspiration like none other. 

ME - I'm now in a situation where I can ask for help but I would imagine that everyone is rather too entangled in their own issues that even they want to help, they won't be able to. I see myself standing at the crossroad where all my siblings have selected a path different to each other and I'm now finding my way in life. I'm confused, lost and anxious about what life holds for me - it's like a fortune cookie, you never know what you're going to get! I will get through this, I know it, but this transition phase is going to do one of two things - make me or break me. 

I don't know the purpose of writing this blog, I hope you don't feel as if I have taken 4 minutes of life and burnt them away. I wish I was stronger to deal with this. As much as I want, I am unable to stop the process of isolating myself from others. By the time I'm done cornering myself, I will have no one left to help me out of this state of mind. It's like a bad bubble, which I have no strength or desire to break - almost like I enjoy being upset and cursing life.